Tag Archive: humor


I am quite possibly obsessed and addicted to my Keurig.  It is my prized Christmas gift that has been in constant use since I plugged the bad boy in 4 days ago.  Before that, I didn’t even drink coffee.  In fact, I’m pretty sure caffeine has the complete opposite effect on me..it makes me tired.  But I do love my Keurig.  College was the last time that I actually consumed a regular amount of coffee.  Starbucks runs were necessary before term papers and when studying for finals.  And even though I knew that my white chocolate mocha frappuccino was not actually helping me stay awake or alert while I finished my tasks, I went because everyone else did.  Coffee peer pressure.  I finally wrote off those fraps after I realized how many calories I had been consuming.  Recently, I decided to try chai tea lattes, which are wonderful and lighter in calories.  I drink them in moderation because they take a toll on your wallet and your gut, and I thought that I had found a good balance.  I was wrong.  For some reason, I found myself desperately wanting a Keurig.  It would call my name every time I looked at it in Wal-Mart.  The K-cups would stare me down as I checked out the green teas.  I knew I hadn’t had coffee in years and so did my parents who so kindly gifted this wonderful appliance to me.  And now I’ve found myself caught in a love affair.

I’ve gone from 0 cups a day to 2-3.  I can’t even taste the difference between the assortment of K-cups I have, but I want to try every single one of them!  It’s maddening when I see a kind I haven’t tried.  Dark Magic?  That doesn’t even give me the slightest clue as to what you will taste like, but damn, I want you.  So I have a storage of at least 8 boxes of K-cups above my cabinets, and apparently I’m trying to finish them all by the end of 2011.  When I set up my K-carousel to display all of my varieties, I was anal and obsessive.  I had to make sure that all of my 1 cup only samples were on the bottom level, and they were to be touched by no one except for me.  I didn’t want any type to go untouched by my lips, and I would be devastated and violent if I found out that my roommate or boyfriend had used one without letting me taste.  The next two levels were organized like Noah’s Ark, 2 of each kind.  If you have the carousel you will know that it has 27 cup holders.  If you are OCD you will know that odd numbers are the worst.  Each level has 9 cup holders, which means I’ll have to adjust my “2 of each kind” rule.  Which K-cup was least worth of having a partner?  How would I decide which one should stand alone?  Should it be the strongest, most intriguing one?  Should it be the dud that I feel will be least popular?  Should it be the one in the ugliest packaging?  The one that retails at the cheapest price?  Should I put the lonely cup’s pair on the level below so that at some point they may get rearranged and find themselves together?

The latter was how it ended.  Two Folgers Caramel Drizzles were temporarily separated.  Of course this only helped the problem for a minute because as soon as I was finished arranging the carousel, I decided it was time for a cup of coffee.  Now, some of you are thinking, “oh this girl…what she should have done was gotten a cup from the boxes stored above her cabinets.  Then she wouldn’t have to take one from the carousel and it would stay as close to perfect as she could get it.”  And well, yes you’re right, but I wanted to use the damn carousel.  And so I took one of the caramel drizzles from his home and let the machine penetrate it on both ends.  Dirty mind!  If you are blessed enough to have a Keurig you will know that there are two needles which puncture the bottom and top of the cup.  No dirty thoughts here, please.  So after ruining the order of my carousel, I decided to make a pact with myself that I would refrain from refilling it after each cup I used.  I did a great job for 4 days, but decided with the new year coming around, I would replenish it.  And with the new year coming around, I also felt that it was time to add a little variety, because apparently the 12 different options I had was not enough.  The new flavor that was added to my growing Keurig family is Van Houtte French Vanilla, and it is delicious!  The carousel will end 2011 filled and I hope my Keurig is ready to ring in the new year with me as I continue to pretend that coffee and caffeine help me stay awake.

Let me start off by saying I have a very pessimistic view on new year resolutions.  I’ve never made one myself, and I’ve never known anyone to stick with theirs into the spring.  Most people have very “blah” resolutions like, “I want to lose weight”, “I want to be more grateful”, “I want to see the bright side in every day”.  All of these are great, but they don’t need to come at the new year.  What really changes in 2012 from 2011?  Aren’t you supposed to wake up every morning with a new fresh attitude and outlook on life?  I counsel elementary school students, and trust me, every day I encourage them to start off new.  Actually, throughout the day I remind them to “reset” their day…change things around if it’s going rough.  Change things around if it’s going better, so why wait until 2012?  If I decide to make a change in June, I don’t say, “well hell, that sounds like a great new year resolution, let me add a note in my blackberry, and I’ll get started on that right away on January 1st.”  No.

Now, this post sounds like it’s going somewhere positive.  You’re thinking, “pessimism?  Try realism…this is totally how it should be!”  But no, this will fit into the, “Seriously?? Really?” category starting…now.

I hate when people crowd MY gym after the first of the year to lose their fat asses.  All of those people out there who are determined to lose weight come storming in on January 2nd (the 1st is reserved for getting over that hangover) and push all of us already active people out.  I am speaking from an experience that I have had to deal with for the 3 previous years.  I’m a member of a different gym now, and I’m hoping that the new year effects will be fewer, but like I said, I’m pessimistic.  These girls (it’s mainly females I’ve noticed) come in and they get on the ellipticals and the treadmills and they poke around at the buttons and breathe heavily while I’m standing by the water fountain.  The gym I used to go to was small with very few machines that were often filled even before the new year rolled around.  The regular gym-goers who had a routine time for their workout would have to wait while the newbies found out what it was like to sweat for the first time.  I know that I should be more supportive.  I should’ve cheered them on, encouraged them, prayed that they would stick with it, but it was cutting into my time.  I had already made the decision to get active years ago, why was I being punished now?  Yes, this is quite selfish, and I would scold myself with each horrible thought that went through my head.

It’s not that I don’t want people to lose weight or become healthy.  I definitely do, but please, not all at once.  Here’s a mini psychophysics lesson.  Just-noticeable difference.  It’s the idea that when a certain amount of a property is added or taken away, the difference from the starting amount of the property is noticed.  If that amount is not within a certain threshold, the difference will not be noticed.  So for example, if one new resolutioner came once a week, I wouldn’t even notice that my gym space was being taken over.  The difference wouldn’t be large enough for me to notice.  However, when all of a sudden 10 new girls are on the machines that are usually occupied by the regular gym-goers, yes, I’m going to notice, and yes I’m going to be pissed if my favorite machine is taken.  And honestly, after a certain length of commitment, I will even group those newbies into the regular gym-goer category.  I will accept you and respect you just like everyone else.  There won’t be a ceremony or anything like that, but I will try my best not to glare.  Unfortunately, most of the newbies don’t make it past March.  They have a good run, and then they fall off the wagon, just to reinstate weight loss as their resolution the following year.

I’ll attempt to end on a positive note.  The main idea: Don’t make a new year resolution.  Odds are you won’t stick with it.  There’s nothing worse than saying, “I’m going to do this!” and then realizing that you’re not.  I don’t have the statistics here in front of me, but I bet if I did, it would say that a majority of resolutions end in failure.  So wait until February, hell, wait until April or May.  It will probably be warmer and then you can run outside.  That’s something I won’t complain about.

So, as I said during my first post, I joined Twitter a few days ago.  I won’t lie, I did have a Twitter account before this one, but most of my time was spent reading tweets at restaurants while my boyfriend played Angry Birds.  I didn’t do too much tweeting, but I will say that Greyson Chance was a follower and I did get a reply from Angelina.  You know, the paparazzi-piano cover tween who became famous via Ellen DeGeneres, and Angelina, the self-proclaimed “Kim Kardashian of Staten Island” who left Jersey Shore twice.  Oh ya, I thought I was big time.  But, I decided I needed a fresh start with a new purpose and made a new account where I am determined to be more active.

Yes, in these past 4 days I have been doing my best to tweet, retweet, and reply as often as possible without getting annoying.  And I have been excited to watch my “follower” number continue to rise.  But I decided to check out these followers and see what they were all about, and follow them back out of generosity and curiosity.  I was disappointed.  10 of my 20 followers weren’t people at all.  They weren’t even respected companies, newspapers, or anything.  They were robotic spam!  And on first glance, they seemed like the most normal!  Oh awesome, Joella Mench is following me, and Meryl Hendrick, cool.  Oh, let me check them out.  Wait, http://www.anal-pics.com?  Neighbors-have-sex.info?  Seriously?  No thanks, I don’t need you following me, even if it does boost my self-esteem seeing that number rise.  Report as spam and block, thanks.

Unfortunately, I have to go through and weed out a few every day, but that’s okay for now.  I don’t know if I’ll have time to manage all of that when I’ve got millions of followers, but maybe by then I’ll have an assistant (ha..joke).  On top of the robots following me, I also have people I follow that retweet spam constantly.  It’s my fault for following them—ispeakfemale, girlposts, epictweets—they post things that are at times, entertaining, humorous, or relate-able, but most of the time it’s spam from other spammers.

“@NICKIIMINAJ: I’ll follow the next 300 people who follow and retweet @blahblahblah”  “@Dumbloser: OMG! I can’t believe it!  I just gained 150 followers by following @blahblahblah.  Wow, this is for real!”

No, this is stupid.  No, you are not the real Nicki Minaj…it is not Nickii Minaj, plus no one cares.  And no, you didn’t gain shit but more spam from following @blahblahblah, so really, why are you promoting this?  I just don’t understand the real purpose behind it.  Just like computer viruses and worms and spyware.  Why?  What are you gaining besides making everyone else’s life a pain?  And you don’t even get to see the person go crazy.  You don’t get to witness them freak out when they lose their entire term paper because their computer shuts down.  You don’t get to see them wonder if the fake virus program is real or not.  Shit, what is my virus program called?  Was it Windows 8?  But there are spelling errors in these warning messages…I don’t think I should trust it.  Come on, at least spell-check your spyware.  You spent the time making it, why not put a little bit more effort into it next time.  There’s nothing that disappoints me more than a hacker who does a half-ass job.

Well, it’s time to go scrape through the Twitter followers for the day.  It looks like Pearlie Russotto is a new one.  She says that, “Twitter is like sex without foreplay.  And, like most women, Im big on foreplay. Providing everything else is big too!”  Really?  Twitter is like sex without foreplay?  I know someone can do better than that.

As a grocery clerk at a small, family-owned and operated, independent grocery store, you’re expected to go above and beyond the regular, run of the mill clerks you see at those other stores, Kroger, Food Lion, etc.  You provide quality customer service which include, but are not limited to, bagging, returning unwanted items that are stashed in the wrong aisles, and assisting customers with their needs.  When a customer asks a question, you don’t just direct them to aisle 3 with the point of a finger, you escort them there and ensure that they find the product they’re looking for.  And now with that background knowledge, the story begins…

I’m standing at the end of register 2.  Not too many customers, a fairly slow day.  My task of the moment is bagging.  A man rushes through the door.  It’s summer, but this grocery store is freezing, so when the door opens it’s more like walking into your house and feeling that first rush of heat on a winter night.  He’s holding his cell phone to his ear and talking rather loudly.

“What?  What did you say you need?  What?  Hold on, let me give the phone to someone who can help.”

He hands the phone to me.

“Talk to her.”

“Uhh, talk to her?

“I’m not sure what she wants me to get.”

“Hello?”

The woman is on the other end of the line.  She explains to me what she wants, and now I understand why the man was so confused.  I close the flip-phone and lead him to aisle 4—health and beauty aids, cleaning supplies, detergents.  There is no one else in the aisle, so I figure it’s an okay time to let him know what his woman was looking for.

“She wants a douche.”  I motion toward the shelf of products.

“Oh okay.”  His answer is nonchalant.  He still doesn’t know what it is.

“Would you like a scent or unscented?”

“Oh, I’m not sure.  What exactly is it?”

Awkward…

“Um…well…it’s for a woman to…”

His eyes are wide now.  Thank goodness he figured it out before I had to explain any further.

“Oh!  Oh!”  He grabs a box from the shelf quickly.  “This is good.  Thank you.  Thank you.”